Mazel Tov Cocktail joke...

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Postby Pauly » 30th Oct 09, 10:45

What's got two legs and bleeds...?








Half a cat :D
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Postby Assmask » 30th Oct 09, 11:55

Sarc wrote:Anyway I'd like to point out that I'm the most intelligent and funny person on this board as I got a laugh with a joke that used Karl Marx the father of philosophy , word play and nudity and was still clean. HA!!


LOL

;)

OK, what's red and smells like green paint?






Red paint.
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Postby Pauly » 30th Oct 09, 12:13

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?





A Carrot :D
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Postby Arm Squirrel » 30th Oct 09, 13:48

What's the difference between an egg and a w**k?
You can't beat a w**k.
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Postby Pauly » 30th Oct 09, 15:04

Why don't witches wear knickers?




To get more grip on their broomstick.
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Postby getting_it_sucks » 30th Oct 09, 15:43

Why did the girl fall off the swing?



She had no arms.
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Postby Sarc » 30th Oct 09, 15:45

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because his house was being bombed, how can you bastards question that? You dont know what its like to walk down the road with your few remaining belongings in a bag while being shot at......................shit sorry Chechen.
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Postby spoon_of_grimbo » 30th Oct 09, 18:19

why does rupert the bear wear yellow trousers?








because he's a twat.
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Postby Assmask » 30th Oct 09, 18:30

What's better than winning Gold at the Special Olympics?




Not being disabled!



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OK, I think I may be going a little far here.......

May as well throw in a CUNT for good measure.
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Postby blundellfamily » 31st Oct 09, 15:38

Sarc wrote:Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because his house was being bombed, how can you bastards question that? You dont know what its like to walk down the road with your few remaining belongings in a bag while being shot at......................shit sorry Chechen.


The wonder that is Lee Mack. I've tickets to see him next March - on a par with the Wildhearts in Wolves in terms of expectation! If you get the chance too see his standup DVD, there is a "behind the scenes" extra of him touring the country. At one point he gets to Cartmel, home of the Sticky Toffee Pudding, and basically dares himself to go into the shop and ask for Stiffy Cocky Pudding! Which he does!

And he is from Chorley like me!
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Postby Sarc » 31st Oct 09, 15:51

He is excellent y'right, I listening to one of his radio shows the other night and there was one joke that had me in stitches and shouldnt have done considering its one people under the age of fourty shouldnt get, he's supposed to be going round an old mansion from the Georgian period and his mate is pointing out stuff in each room.

Mate - Look at this amazing building you dont get this these days
Mack - Thats georgian architecture
mate - Look at that incredible table
Mack - Thats Georgian woodwork
Mate - The Yootha Joyce
Mack - That's George and Mildred

For some reason the fact that he broke character for a few seconds giggling to himself only stopping to say "Youve no idea how proud I am of that joke!" made it even funnier.
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Postby vickyp » 2nd Nov 09, 20:40

Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

A: Because it was dead.



Q: Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?

A: Because it was stapled to the first monkey.


:D :coat:
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Postby Sarc » 2nd Nov 09, 20:43

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?

Cuz he thought it was a game and wanted to join in.
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Re:

Postby markE » 13th Feb 12, 13:05

Sarc wrote:I was thinking dustbin lorry meself.

Anyway I'd like to point out that I'm the most intelligent and funny person on this board as I got a laugh with a joke that used Karl Marx the father of philosophy , word play and nudity and was still clean. HA!!

Karl Marx the father of philosophy? are you sure? i think there are a few ancient Greeks might disagree with that.
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Re: Mazel Tov Cocktail joke...

Postby sparky » 19th Feb 12, 02:23

I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts.
"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.
"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"
"Yesterday?" I replied.
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